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03 August 2007 @ 06:33 pm
8/1/07--The Rummy Returns; I Now Pronounce You Dick and Larry; Subprime Loans  
Jon Stewart: But I want to get right to something that occurred; uh, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were both on television last night, answering questions. A very unusual occurrence. Let me see if I can put this into some kind of perspective for you. To see a giant squid--that's unusual. Certainly, a Bigfoot sighting--very rare, Lord knows. But Rumsfeld and Cheney answering questions on the same day on television--that'd be like a giant squid having sex with Bigfoot as the ghost of Jim Morrison claps giddily.

JS: Rummy's been gone a long time; does he remember the dance? ... He's been gone a while, but he jumps right back in--it's like raping a bicycle.

JS: The other sighting--an hour-long encounter between Vice-President Dick Cheney and CNN's Larry King. Together, of course, they are known as the Isaac P. Bromfen Teaching Hospital for Cardiology. I'm tellin' ya, anything that could happen to a human heart--you're lookin' at it with those two fellas right there.

Obviously, Cheney's a little more on top of his game than Rumsfeld; he's gonna skip right to the "nothing to regret" part.

[clip, Larry King Live, 7/31/07]
Larry King: Don't you ever say, "Maybe I'm wrong?"

Vice President Cheney: No.
[end clip]

JS: [as Cheney] "About anything; as a matter of fact, I'll tell you this, Larry: if that guy put his face in front of my gun again, I'd shoot him. He deserved it. I thought he--he blocked my view. Really. Waah. Waah! Waah. Waah. Waah. Waah."

Seriously, uh, Vice-President Cheney? Never wrong? Even about the whole, you know, war?

[clip, Larry King Live, 7/31/07]
LK: In retrospect, you would still go into Iraq?

DC: Yes, sir.
LK: Although there were mistakes.

DC: Oh, sure. Yeah, there are always things in war that happen that nobody anticipated.
[end clip]

JS: [as Cheney] "I mean, how could we have known bulletproof vests would, you know, be a protection of some type, or armor would be helpful on vehicles, that's a force (?) for sure. No one could have foreseen Muslims splitting into two camps. I mean, for God's sakes, they're, you know, Muslims." Hey, you only gotta watch this for a couple of minutes. I have to watch this all day long.

Actually, maybe what we're dealing with isn't so much a man in denial of reality, as a happy optimist. To borrow a phrase, a real "half-glass-fuller".

[clip, Larry King Live, 7/31/07]
LK: Does it bother you that the Iraqi parliament is taking August off?

DC: It's better than taking two months off.
LK: Don't you think this administration also has credibility problems?

DC: Every administration does to some extent, Larry. ... I don't worry about the polls. Can't worry about the polls.
[end clip]

JS: You can get more of the Vice-President's positivity in his new book, The Unchecked Power of Positive Thinking. He's, um, he's, uh, he's a sunny guy.

[clip, Larry King Live, 7/31/07]
LK: Would you make an overt move on Iran?

DC: For what reason?
[end clip]

JS: You know, every time Dick Cheney smiles like that, an angel gets waterboarded. Come on, Dick! Give us another unsuccessory.

[clip, Larry King Live, 7/31/07]
DC: Remember, success for a politician is 50% plus one. You don't have to have everybody on board.
[end clip]

JS: Oh my God. The White House is taking the United States pass/fail. Of course, now, the Vice-President--damn it, man! Of course the Vice President doesn't care if he isn't popular! They'll come around! They'll all see!

[clip, Larry King Live, 7/31/07]
DC: When I first met you, Gerry was--President Ford was down, uh--70% when he started, he ended up in the thirties... When he passed away and when we had, uh, memorial services for him, he was held in very high regard.
[end clip]

JS: Now that's aimin' high. "I hope things go well enough in Iraq that no one shits on me at my funeral." But my favorite moment--my favorite moment came in the post-interview analysis! Larry King had asked for a clarification on Cheney's employment status.

[clip, Larry King Live, 7/31/07]
LK: To which branch of government do you belong? Are you executive or legislative, or both?

DC: I am the president of the Senate, the presiding officer of the Senate, I cast tie-breaking votes there--my paycheck actually comes from the Senate.
[end clip]

JS: [as Cheney] "I cash 'em at the check-cashing place down the street." But here's the interesting part about it. This came as fascinating news of where the Vice President gets his paycheck to Wolf Blitzer.

[clip, The Situation Room, 7/31/07]
Wolf Blitzer: I didn't know that; I learned something. I didn't know that he actually gets his paycheck from the, uh, legislative branch of the government--from the US Senate.
[end clip]

JS: July 31st, Wolf Blitzer found that out watching Larry King's show! He didn't know it! And it's funny because I remember seeing that fact on TV somewhere.

[clip, The Situation Room, 6/25/07]
Ed Henry: White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino seemed to embrace Cheney's unique legal argument, by noting the Vice-President's paycheck comes from his service as president of the Senate.

WB: Ed Henry at the White House. Thanks, Ed, very much.
[end clip]

JS: WOLF! Now, I can understand why Wolf might've missed that, because if you've seen The Situation Room, it's unwatchable.

Larry Wilmore: Duped? Believe me, we know these loans are unfair--that's why we stopped paying them back.

JS: Ah, I see. I didn't realize that.

LW: I mean, who's duping who, Jon?

JS: But, but, but--if you don't pay them back, you lose your house.

LW: Yeah, but they lose a trillion dollars, Jon; that's tit for tizzat.

JS: So this is intentional.

LW: Absolutely. But it's taken us a long time to figure out how to best fight the power. It turns out voting and protests were dead ends. Now we use The Man's wealth, leverage, and status against him. Little thing we call "Judo-Ghetto". ...I mean "Ghetto Judo". [aside] Sorry.

JS: Does it really make a difference?

LW: It does make a difference, Jon. Judo Ghetto is a completely different form of Ghetto Judo. Completely different.

JS: As a matter of fact, I think I have one of his albums.