Stephen Colbert: Tonight--are the Republicans out to get Bill Clinton?
Steve Carell: Yes!
Steve: Yeeeeees! Stephen, the Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton. Unless you would have us believe that the right wing is legitimately anti-fiscal responsibility and pro-radiation. Do you think us blind?
Stephen: Blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma. What my esteemed colleague on the left fails to realizes is neither bill serves this country's interests or enjoys widespread support.
Steve: You know, Stephen, penicillin can cure syphilis before it infects your brain.
The campaign finance bill was, in fact, co-sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain. And the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty was backed by nearly every major world leader and international scientists.
Stephen: Oh, really? Well then, Steve... you're right.
Steve: Listen to yourself, Stephen. You're up there, in your ivory tow--what?
Stephen: You're right; I completely forgot about McCain. See, based on that, I can see how you thought that, you know, the Republicans were out to get him.
Steve: Can you?
Steve: [awkward] Well, very well, then. Good. I win.
Stephen: Yeah, looks like it.
Steve: [drops pen on floor] May I speak to you for a minute?
[both kneel behind table]
Stephen: What's up? What's going on?
Steve: We're being paid to argue here, okay?
Stephen: [overtalk] I know. I know that.
Steve: And you agreeing with me is not going to put food on the table, you know what I'm saying? So why don't you just ratchet it up a little bit, okay?
Stephen: Okay. Okay.
[both return to seats]
Stephen: You dropped this.
Steve: Now, is the room spinning, or is the rapid waffling of the spineless GOP Congress making me dizzy? Maybe you'd vote for murder if you thought it would embarrass the President.
Stephen: Well, I think that's an exaggeration, but I can see how you'd feel that way.
Steve: [upset] Okay, um... I, I gotta level with you--this job isn't going very well for me, and this debate thing is like the only thing I've got going. And when you agree with me...
Steve: No! Don't shush me! When you--when you agree with me, it makes it impossible for me to say anything back to you! I don't--I don't even--I don't even know what to say! It's like, "I agree with you"--what do you want me to do?
Stephen: [soothingly] It's okay. It's okay. What do you--what do you want me to say? What do you want me to say?
Steve: I want you to disagree with me.
Stephen: Okay. I think you're wrong.
Steve: Insult me.
Stephen: I think you're an ass.
Steve: You don't really mean that.
Stephen: I do! I do! I think you're an ass!
Stephen: Oh, is that a smile? Do I see a smile?
Steve: [overtalk] No...
Stephen: Do I see a smile? Do we have a smile? Yes, we do!
I'm Stephen Colbert...
Steve: And I'm Steven Carell...
Stephen: And this has been...
Both: Even Stephven.