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20 August 2007 @ 06:27 pm
Even Stephven--Republican Conspiracy  


Stephen Colbert: Tonight--are the Republicans out to get Bill Clinton?

Steve Carell: Yes!

Stephen: No!

Steve: Yeeeeees! Stephen, the Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton. Unless you would have us believe that the right wing is legitimately anti-fiscal responsibility and pro-radiation. Do you think us blind?

Stephen: Blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma. What my esteemed colleague on the left fails to realizes is neither bill serves this country's interests or enjoys widespread support.

Steve: You know, Stephen, penicillin can cure syphilis before it infects your brain.

The campaign finance bill was, in fact, co-sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain. And the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty was backed by nearly every major world leader and international scientists.

Stephen: Oh, really? Well then, Steve... you're right.

Steve: Listen to yourself, Stephen. You're up there, in your ivory tow--what?

Stephen: You're right; I completely forgot about McCain. See, based on that, I can see how you thought that, you know, the Republicans were out to get him.

Steve: Can you?

Stephen: Yes.

Steve: [awkward] Well, very well, then. Good. I win.

Stephen: Yeah, looks like it.

Steve: [drops pen on floor] May I speak to you for a minute?

[both kneel behind table]

Stephen: What's up? What's going on?

Steve: We're being paid to argue here, okay?

Stephen: [overtalk] I know. I know that.

Steve: And you agreeing with me is not going to put food on the table, you know what I'm saying? So why don't you just ratchet it up a little bit, okay?

Stephen: Okay. Okay.

[both return to seats]

Stephen: You dropped this.

Steve: Now, is the room spinning, or is the rapid waffling of the spineless GOP Congress making me dizzy? Maybe you'd vote for murder if you thought it would embarrass the President.

Stephen: Well, I think that's an exaggeration, but I can see how you'd feel that way.

Steve: [upset] Okay, um... I, I gotta level with you--this job isn't going very well for me, and this debate thing is like the only thing I've got going. And when you agree with me...

Stephen: Sssssh...

Steve: No! Don't shush me! When you--when you agree with me, it makes it impossible for me to say anything back to you! I don't--I don't even--I don't even know what to say! It's like, "I agree with you"--what do you want me to do?

Stephen: [soothingly] It's okay. It's okay. What do you--what do you want me to say? What do you want me to say?

Steve: I want you to disagree with me.

Stephen: Okay. I think you're wrong.

Steve: Insult me.

Stephen: I think you're an ass.

Steve: You don't really mean that.

Stephen: I do! I do! I think you're an ass!

Steve: [laughs]

Stephen: Oh, is that a smile? Do I see a smile?

Steve: [overtalk] No...

Stephen: Do I see a smile? Do we have a smile? Yes, we do!

I'm Stephen Colbert...

Steve: And I'm Steven Carell...

Stephen: And this has been...

Both: Even Stephven.
 
 
 
$newgeneration on August 21st, 2007 10:54 pm (UTC)
LMFAO. I love this one.