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06 November 2007 @ 08:39 pm
March 3, 2004  
I think this may be one of my favourite Stephen pieces from TDS.

Jon: Stephen, the Democrats have their man, an experience senator, a war hero. Is the Bush campaign prepared to run against Senator John Kerry?

Stephen: [ominous chuckle] Oh, yes.

Jon: [beat] ...uh, specifically, how is the Bush team preparing?

Stephen: Preparations have been made, Jon. Forces are in motion.

Jon: But as far as the details...

Stephen: [thunder claps and lightening flashes ominously] It is unwise to enquire about matters you cannot possibly comprehend! All will be revealed in the fullness of time.

Jon: [pause] O... okay. Uh, well, Bush at least seems to be setting a cordial tone. He called Kerry last night to congratulate him.

Stephen: A call was placed.

Jon: Uh... what was said?

Stephen: [raises a single eyebrow]

Jon: Stephen, it seems clear that, heading towards the general election, the Democrats have a nominee with a lot of support. The party looks unified. Kerry could pose a very serious threat.

Stephen: Threat, Jon? Threat? [lightening flashes once more] Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide! [the White House backdrop is replaced by swirling storm clouds] For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due - For lo! It has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with a hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!

Jon: ...well, uh... I guess there was a bit of a storm in Washington tonight. Uh, where do you think they'll concentrate their efforts.

Stephen: [still bellowing ominously, and nearly cracking up] Probably Ohio! And Missouri! These are critical swing states! And do not forget the NASCAR dads!

Jon: Well, how do you think the Democrats are going to respond to that?

Stephen: [returning to normal tones as the thunder and lightening stops abruptly] Uh, they'll probably give Kerry a new haircut. And they might even put him on [thunder crashes] OOOOOPRAH! Jon?