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15 January 2008 @ 07:15 pm
All I can say is... HEE.

The Grinnin' 105th!Collapse )

Incidentally, The Daily Quotes is now back online with more quotes, articles by the show's writers and other such goodies. Contributions are always welcome! :)
06 November 2007 @ 08:39 pm
I think this may be one of my favourite Stephen pieces from TDS.

Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide!Collapse )
28 October 2007 @ 12:51 pm
This one amused me. It's from this/last week's Global Edition, in which Jon is testing out the British subtitles.

Jon: Color.
Subtitle: Colour.
Jon: Center.
Subtitle: Centre.
Jon: Diarrhea.
Subtitle: Diarrhoea.
Jon: I drove my truck into an elevator, seriously injuring Teri Hatcher.
Subtitle: I drove my lorry into a lift, grievously harming Helen Mirren.
Jon: My favourite baseball team lost recently, upsetting me greatly.
Subtitle: My favourite cricket team lost recently, causing me to drink ale and riot.
Current Mood: amusedamused
Jon Stewart: But I want to get right to something that occurred; uh, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were both on television last night, answering questions. A very unusual occurrence. Let me see if I can put this into some kind of perspective for you. To see a giant squid--that's unusual. Certainly, a Bigfoot sighting--very rare, Lord knows. But Rumsfeld and Cheney answering questions on the same day on television--that'd be like a giant squid having sex with Bigfoot as the ghost of Jim Morrison claps giddily.

JS: Rummy's been gone a long time; does he remember the dance? ... He's been gone a while, but he jumps right back in--it's like raping a bicycle.

You know, every time Dick Cheney smiles like that, an angel gets waterboarded.Collapse )

Larry Wilmore: Duped? Believe me, we know these loans are unfair--that's why we stopped paying them back.

JS: Ah, I see. I didn't realize that.

LW: I mean, who's duping who, Jon?

JS: But, but, but--if you don't pay them back, you lose your house.

LW: Yeah, but they lose a trillion dollars, Jon; that's tit for tizzat.

JS: So this is intentional.

LW: Absolutely. But it's taken us a long time to figure out how to best fight the power. It turns out voting and protests were dead ends. Now we use The Man's wealth, leverage, and status against him. Little thing we call "Judo-Ghetto". ...I mean "Ghetto Judo". [aside] Sorry.

JS: Does it really make a difference?

LW: It does make a difference, Jon. Judo Ghetto is a completely different form of Ghetto Judo. Completely different.

JS: As a matter of fact, I think I have one of his albums.
Jon Stewart: Regardless of the quality of play, John, symbolically, this is a tremendous victory.

John Oliver: Oh, symbolically. Yeah, of course. In that case, they're well on their way to winning the symbolic World Cup, no doubt cheered on by their figurative fans, and returning to a jubilant metaphorical nation. And perhaps--perhaps you're right, Jon. Perhaps now their hypothetical government will be inspired to pseudo-bring some quasi-order to this "country".

Jon Stewart: Moving to Washington, DC--for months now, Democrats have talked tough, vowing they would hold the Bush administration accountable for their egregious mishandling of what many in the media are calling "the world". Well, numerous feckless Senate hearings, one useless all-night filibuster, and three non-binding resolutions later, the Democrats finally decided it's go time.

At the current rate of usage, the contempt with which Congress views the White House, the White House views the Congress, and both view the American people, scientists estimate the country will be out of contempt sometime early next year.Collapse )

Note: If anyone could get a screencap of the "contempt usage" chart, I'd be much obliged. ;-)
30 June 2007 @ 09:32 am
"Before we go, let's check in with our friend Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report. Stephen, my friend!"
"Hey, Jon. Do you remember those, uh, Even Stevphens that Steve and I used to do?"
"Maybe the best regular segment we've ever had."
"Yeah, yeah. You know, people still ask me, did you two argue like that off-camera too? And no, no we didn't. We did not speak off-camera. I hated Steve Carell. I despised him.
(lights go down and Stephen assumes an evil expression/voice)
In between segments, I'd let our sour yeast of hatred ferment in the dark oak cask of my soul, then once a month I'd untap the spigot for four minutes and pour the putrified vintage of my loathing into his miserable snail-like ears!
(normal lights come back up, Stephen goes back to normal)
So, um, what was he on for? Evan Almighty? It looks good!"
"...Yeah. Yeah, he's done really well for himself."
(very high pitched) "Good! Good for him."
"I'll see you in a minute, Stephen!"
(everything goes dark again)
18 June 2007 @ 11:30 pm
“I think what we’re seeing here in the Gaza Strip is the embarrassing classroom erections of the Middle East.”
- Aasif Mandvi

"(something about uncorking a bottle of the fermented yeast of his hatred and dumping it into the snail-like ears of Steve Carell)"
- Stephen Colbert
5/9/07: Martyrdom Mouse

Jon Stewart: M-I-C... See the infidels driven from our land! K-E-Y... Why? Because Allah commands it. M-O-U-S-alalalala!

Now, before we get too judgmental, uh, about the content there, remember, Hamas is working under a terrible handicap--there are no Jews on that writing staff.

5/8/07: QE2: Visit From a Nice Old LadyCollapse )

5/10/07: P.M. EscapadesCollapse )