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15 August 2005 @ 03:44 pm
Four longish quotes  

We begin tonight in Washington, D.C. When President Bush nominated Circuit Court Judge John Roberts for a spot on the Supreme Court, we knew more about his son's stance on getting jiggy than on Roberts' own personal judicial record.

By the way, his son: pro-jiggy.

But if you believe what advocacy groups say about Roberts, a clear picture of the judge has emerged: he is either a mad bomber of women's abortion clinics, or a homo-tastic friend of the sodomite.

Let me explain. Roberts is the focus of a new ad by the pro-choice group NARAL America--or, NARAMBLA.

(Ad clip)

Wow. Pro-choice. Unfortunately, not so pro-fact. For instance, the Alabama clinic was bombed in 1998, and the legal brief Roberts filed is dated April 11, 1991. Seven years before 1998. Curious.

What Roberts actually did was write a narrow argument saying abortion protesters were not violating one particular civil rights law. Seven years later, one of the people he indirectly defended bombed a clinic.

Ergo ipso facto, he supports clinic bombers. In much the same way that if you bought the Thriller album in 1982, you support child molestation. It'd be like saying Michael Dukakis wants a rapist to get out of prison. You know, it's that kinda thing.

But facts are no match for Insinuating Voice-Over Lady.

(Ad clip)

Oh, Insinuating Voice-Over Lady. I think you need a piece of action from Movie Trailer Man.

--Jon Stewart, "The Judge Report"

Now it's time for this week's Blasphe-ME!!, when I, Stephen Colbert, mock a deity to find out whether he, she, or it is really all that. This week I'm saying a big "Screw you!" to the ancient Aztec god Quetzalcoatl. [clears throat] All right.

Hey, Quetzalcoatl! Nice feathers! Did they have a men's department where you got those? And what's with the mouth? Did you descend into the netherworld and out with Mictlantechuhtle, lord of the dead, to collect bones and sprinkle them with your own blood to create humankind with that mouth? Show me what you got! You have five seconds to strike me down!

Quetzalcoatl, plumed serpent god of the Aztecs? You are a pussy.

--Stephen Colbert, "This Week in God"

(voice-over) This world was never going to treat Corn Cob Bob fairly. I wanted to show him... a better place.

(speaking) There's gonna be kids, and furry bunnies, and there's gonna be balloons and temporary tattoos, and it's right over here. Why don't you just kneel down? See it, Bob?

(Corn Cob Bob) I don't see nothin'...


(voice-over) It was a bittersweet end for Corn Cob Bob. Sweet, in the sense that it was painless. Bitter, because I didn't realize... there was a dude in there.

--Rob Corddry, "Kernel Knowledge"

We're gonna talk about the War on Terror in a moment. I just, as a prelude, I wanted to play you a rather startling piece of tape that I saw, uh, on Fox News earlier. Take a, take a look at this:

(Fox News clip, "Target: Terror")

Anchor: More than ever, terrorists are using the power of the media to spread their message of hate and violence--

Jon: [leans forward, stares, rubs his eyes] How will Fox News, uh, demonstrate this disturbing new trend?

(Fox News clip, "Terrorists use media to spread message of hate")

Terrorist: The honorable sons and daughters of Islam will not sit down watching you spread your evil and immorality and infidelity to our land!

Jon: So that's how they did it! They, uh, showed that the terrorists are now using the media to spread hate, by showing a guy on television spreading hate. That's, uh--now I can see how the, uh... hmmmm. Hmmm. Oooh.

I can see how the babbling extremist talking in English might slip through Fox censors. It's not something that would trip the wires. "Hey, look, an extremist, babbling." Uh, but what I have a little more problem with is this:

(Fox News clip, "Terrorists use media to spread message of hate")

Anchor: It appears to be a training video of sorts, too, about how to make a bomb. Should we be showing this at all?

Jon: NO! NO! Not if you're doing a report on what a bad thing it is for terrorists to spread hate on television!

Oh, Fox News. Why must the Irony-Free Zone be next to the No-Spin Zone?

--Jon Stewart, "War on Terrour"
the girl they call "Anna": Shakespeare99_regrets on August 15th, 2005 08:40 pm (UTC)
Love. Total agreement with the last one. And the others are just wonderful Daily Show wisdom.