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23 August 2005 @ 10:56 pm
Oy.  
I don't know why I did this. I just wanted a couple of quotes from the beginning, but I ended up transcribing the entire thing. So, in order that this doesn't just sit on my hard drive forever, here's the transcript of the episode with the Steve Carell interview.


Voice-Over Guy: August 15, 2005! From Comedy Central's world news headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart!

Jon Stewart: Heeeeey! Heeey! Hey, everybody, welcome to The Daily Show! I'm Jon Stewart. Man, am I excited today. We have a young actor on the program tonight that I think you're gonna be hearing a lot from--and not just, uh, in terms of criminal record, uh... young man's name is Steve Carell, and I have heard... uh... The crowd is clearly excited. Uh...

And of course, the other big news tonight, in Iraq, which, uh, I don't, I don't know if you've heard... um, (lowers voice) we're at war... uh, they were gonna form a constitution. Today, uh, August fifteenth was the day, and then, uh, we were gonna say, uh, "Yep, that's a constitution," and, uh, then we were gonna... get the fuck out. Take a little, uh, vamooshie.

Well, it turns out they have missed their arbitrary deadline. They have missed their deadline, and they asked for another week. And I am not--listen, I am not a hard man, I'm an understanding man; but I'm gonna say this to the Iraqis, to the governing council tonight: okay. You can turn it in in a week. But let me say this: the best you can do--the best--is a B. That's right! A B. You're done! You think I just fell off the turnip truck with the whole, "Oh, we don't have a human rights bill yet!" No! You'll get it in and you'll have it done, and it will be graded as such. And then as I said earlier, uh, we'll get the fuck out.

But let's begin tonight in Crawford, Texas, where, as in the previous five years, if it's August and the world is coming apart, our President must be out gatherin' the kindlin'.

But a pall has been cast over Bush's time at Dude Ranch One. Cindy Sheehan, whose Marine son Casey was killed in Iraq, has been camping out just outside the President's ranch.

(clip, Cindy Sheehan)
I want to know, George Bush, if you think this is such a noble cause, do you encourage your own daughters to go over--take the place of a soldier who wants to come home?
(end clip)

Jon: Send Barbara and Jenna over there? Uh... with all due respect, we're tryin' to win this thing. We don't need any crazy margarita-drinkin', dry-humpin', thing...

Since Sheehan began her vigil two weeks ago, she's become a cause celebre among anti-war activists. Hundreds have gathered with her in Crawford, and Fahrenheit 9/11 director Michael Moore is even featuring Sheehan prominently on his website, because without his help, she might come across as sympathetic.

Even Viggo Mortensen stopped by to give Sheehan a t-shirt, taking valuable time away from his nearby organic beard stubble farm.

The Preside--ohhhh. He's handsome.

The President has yet to sit down with Ms. Sheehan, during the first two weeks of his five-week vacation. But he did take the rare trouble of standing on the set of Bonanza to talk about her with others.

(clip, President Bush)
She feels strongly, about her, uh, about her position, and I have--she has every right in the world to say what she believes. This is America. She has the right to her position.
(end clip)

Jon: (as Bush) As long as that position's a mile away from the barbecue pit. Heh heh heh heh. I'm gonna--I'm gonna--I'm gonna have ribs tonight. I like--I like 'em big and juicy.

Asked again about Sheehan's Saturday, Bush told reporters, quote, "I think it's important for me to be thoughtful and sensitive to those who have got something to say. But I think it's also important for me to go on with my life."

Yes. I've gotta be strong. It's time for me to put this woman's dead son behind me and just move on.

The President's moving-on strategy for Saturday included a "two-hour bike ride, an evening Little League baseball playoff game, lunch with Condoleezza Rice, a nap, some fishing and some reading." How did reading sneak in there?

Well, uh, I'm glad that at least he got a nap. Uh, at least he was able to get a nap. (snores) Heh heh heh heh. (snores) Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

For more, we go to Crawford and Senior Western White House Correspondent Ed Helms. Ed, thank you so much for joining us. Uh, you've been down there... uh, Ed... you've been down there since this whole thing started. What is the status of Ms. Sheehan's protest?

Ed Helms: Well, Jon, I think most people are frankly a little shocked at the callous indifference being shown to someone so clearly suffering, so clearly in need.

Jon: Well, Ed, Ms. Sheehan's pain is certainly undeniable--

Ed: Ms. Sheehan? Jon, I'm referring to the President. He's having his vacation ruined here. I mean, this guy only gets five weeks a summer to clear a little brush and fish and she's ruining it! He's gotta go past her every time he wants to go out--it's a bummer! The guy's been looking forward to this vacation since his last vacation--which was in April.

Jon: But Ed, clearly, given the loss the Cindy Sheehan suffered, surely it wouldn't take too much for the President to meet with her in Crawford. It's--

Ed: He did meet with her. Twice.

Jon: When?

Ed: When the President's motorcade passed by Sheehan on a burger run. I have the transcript right here. Uh... "HeyMr.Presidentit'smeIjustwanttotalktoyouaboutmyson--" And then again a little later: "HeyMr.Presidentit'sstillmejustwanttotalktoyouaboutmyson--"

Jon: I'm guessing she didn't find that meeting satisfactory.

Ed: It's unfortunate, Jon, but that's what happens sometimes. It reminds me a lot of this woman, who tragically lost her daugher in Aruba, and has been down there ever since trying to find out what happened.

Jon: Ed, that was Greta van Susteren. She's a newscaster. She's, uh, she's, she's, uh, she's not the girl in Aruba's mother.

Ed: No, no, no, no. Only a blood relative would pursue a case with that kind of single-minded obsession.

Jon: One, one last question, Ed. Uh, is the perception that Ms. Sheehan is being treated insensitively, uh, a concern for this White House? Just even from a public relations standpoint.

Ed: Not at all, Jon. As one of the President's advisors told me, "Insensitivity is what works for us, you four-eyed jackass." (clears throat) In fact, on Saturday, the President led a bike ride right past Sheehan's vigil. As he passed her, I believe he grabbed her beverage and cooled himself down with it. But perhaps most frustrating for Ms. Sheehan is the President's nightly electrical parade down Main Street, right by her encampment. To be that tantalizingly close... it's gotta hurt.

Jon: Well, thank you, Ed. Stay down there. Ed Helms, everybody.

Now, the Cindy Sheehan... the Cindy Sheehan saga has many in the Right fuming over the decision to go so public with her anguish.

(clip, Michelle Malkin, Fox News)
I do think that she has turned her private, personal pain into a public circus!
(end clip)

(clip, Melanie Morgan, Hardball, MSNBC)
She is also a person who's had a political agenda for a lot longer than her son has been dead.
(end clip)

(clip, Fred Barnes, Fox News)
She's a crackpot.
(end clip)

Jon: Yeah! She's a crackpot! I mean, who in their right mind raises an altar boy Eagle Scout honor student Marine? What kind of parent was this woman? Boop-boo!

But this is hardly the first time a private family nightmare has become a national political flashpoint. Only a few months ago, the Terri Schiavo case unfolded with a similar narrative. And to his credit, Fred Barnes was just as blunt in his criticism of that grieving family.

(clip, Fred Barnes, Fox News, March 22, 2005)
The parents, uh, of, of, of Terri Schiavo, rather, uh, I, I think have a strong moral case--
(end clip)

Jon: Oh. Well, I guess theirs was a tragic circumstance he could really get behind.

But Sheehan's mental state isn't the only thing the right is upset about. There's also the company she's been keeping.

(clip, Mort Kondracke, Fox News)
She's really in league with a lot of left--left--far-left-wingers. Michael Moore, MoveOn.org--
(end clip)

(clip, Fox News, August 6, 2005)
She has aligned herself now with Michael Moore--
(end clip)

(clip, Melanie Morgan, Hardball, MSNBC)
She has aligned herself with MoveOn.org, Code Pink--
(end clip)

(clip, Michelle Malkin, Fox News)
She writes op-ed pieces for far-left groups like the Common Dreams website--
(end clip)

Jon: The old "guilt by association" argument. "She hangs out with Michael Moore! Whose film Bowling for Columbine featured Charlton Heston. Who played a Mexican in Touch of Evil--Mexico speaks the same language as Cuba... where Fidel Castro plotted to kill JFK, as seen in the movie starring... Kevin Bacon." Oh, Cindy Sheehan! Why do you and your liberal cohorts plan to kill Kevin Bacon?

We'll be right back.

(clip, President Bush)
I think about this every day. Every single day. And I will continue thinking about it. Obviously, every time there's a death, I grieve.
(end clip)

(commercial)

Jon: Welcome back to the program! Two women seeking Senate seats. One, relatively unknown. One, a little too familiar. They're the subject of tonight's Indecision 2006.

First up, New York, where last week, Westchester County DA Jeanine Pirro announced her candidacy for the Senate. The Republican launched a blistering tirade against Hillary Clinton, the woman she'll be facing.

(clip, Jeanine Pirro)
Hillary Clinton... I'm sorry...
(end clip)

Jon: She, she's probably building up to something. I bet it's gonna be good.

(clip, Jeanine Pirro)
(searching) Do you have page ten?
(end clip)

Jon: That was Jeanine Pirro, observing thirty-two seconds of silence, in memory of the premature death of her campaign.

In other unlikely senatorial news, you may recall Katherine Harris, Florida's secretary of state, whose keen understanding of electoral law threw a devastating cockblock to Al Gore in the 2000 presidential election. You may also recall Harris's stellar work filling in for Ace Frehley when he was getting cleaned up in the '80s. Now... I know, that's... no, I'm not proud of that. And yet...

Well, a new-look Harris is back in the spotlight, announcing she's running for Senate against incumbent Bill Nelson. She recently appeared on Fox's Hannity and Colmes to launch her bid, and the moment was filled with gravitas.

(clip, Hannity and Colmes, Fox News)
Alan Colmes: Congresswoman Katherine Harris, who kicked off her campaign for the United States Senate just a few hours ago. Congresswoman, welcome to the show. Good to have you here.

Congresswoman Harris: Oh, it's so wonderful to be here. What a day.
(end clip)

Jon: Have you met my running mates? My Groucho.

Harris's flirty style won at least one observer over.

(clip, Hannity and Colmes, Fox News)
Congresswoman Harris: Now, I know Sean is gonna be involved and supportive, but Alan, we think you should come along for this memorable journey.

Alan Colmes: Thanks for the invitation.

Sean Hannity: (speaking over) Listen, you're already my adoptive congresswoman, uh, Congressman Harris--

Congresswoman Harris: And you're my favorite adoptive constituent.
(end clip)

Jon: Hey-oh! You know, that's the sort of exchange that usually ends with Colmes being told to go wait in the car.

We'll be right back.

(clip, Jeanine Pirro)
Hillary Clinton... I'm sorry.
(end clip)

(commercial)

(clip, Jeanine Pirro)
Do you have page ten? Who's got it? Yeah. Let me see it.
(end clip)

Jon: Welcome back to the show. My guest tonight, uh... I don't know. I, I hear good things. His new movie is The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

(clip, The 40-Year-Old Virgin)

Jon: Please welcome Steve Carell!

(Steve enters; Steve and Jon hug. They sit, drink from mugs. They drink again, simultaneously. Steve checks his watch. Jon blots his forehead with his tie. Steve leans over and checks Jon's notes. Jon starts to speak. They drink simultaneously again. Jon starts to speak again. Steve spins in his chair. Jon tosses his pen. Approx. 1 min. 32 sec. of silence from entrance until Jon speaks.)

Jon: (quietly) Do you, um... do you have a report to file...?

Steve: I... don't file reports anymore. I do movies.

Jon: (quietly) Was I--was I supposed to have some questions for you?

Steve: You may ask me anything you like, Jon. And I will answer it. If I feel like it.

Jon: (whisper) Why did you leave us? (puts head in hand, feigns weeping; Steve stands and hugs) I love you so much!

Can I say something?

Steve: Please.

Jon: You were not very good when you were here. And yet, this movie--and I have seen this movie--is very, very good.

Steve: I, I greatly appreciate that.

Jon: What happened to you?

Steve: Um, there was a learning curve. (Jon laughs) Once I left the show--I also noticed, the show... once I, I kind of left, on a daily basis, um... really took off.

Jon: Yeah.

Steve: And started winning Emmy after Emmy--

Jon: (speaking over) Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Steve: And garnering all sorts of attention.

Jon: You were... a real albatross. Um...

Steve: I, uh...

Jon: A weight, if you will.

Steve: I feel like I was dead weight for this show.

Jon: Well, that, that, yeah. No, we talked about that. Um... well, I can't tell you how excited everybody is here for you.

Steve: Thank you.

Jon: I'm telling you, this thing's gonna be... I'm... it's, it's...

Steve: Oh, it's gonna be huge.

Jon: I'm tellin' you!

Steve: It's...

Jon: It can't sink in for you, and I can understand that you can't let it sink in because of the thing, but I'm telling you. I mean, for God's sakes, 40-Year-Old Vir--I, the poster. I'm going to see it for the poster!

Steve: The poster is--the poster's a little creepy. (Jon laughs) I have to admit, it's, uh, it's kinda freakin' my kids out, a little. This is, I, this is the most surreal moment for me ever.

Jon: Comin' to the show?

Steve: Yes. This is the weirdest thing I think I've ever done.

Jon: Because you, having been here for so long, and you and I worked together maybe three years, and we never talked. Never.

Steve: (speaking over) We, and we never talked! No!

Jon: And--for instance, when you just said that? I was like, in my head I was just like, "Oh, shit, Steve has kids!"

Steve: Right!

Jon: You know. Woo!

Steve: I know!

Jon: I had no idea! You have, like, a whole life going on--

Steve: Wait a se--was this the set when I left? Because it looks different to me. (Jon laughs) I thought there was a couch and stuff.

Jon: Yeah. A lot--lot has changed. I realize though now that we shouldn't have worked you the way we did and I should've talked to you, and, and, for that... Steve?

Steve: Yes.

Jon: (nods) Um...

Steve: One more! How do you spell your last name again?

Jon: Uh, it doesn't matter, 'cause it's not really my last name.

Steve: Oh.

Jon: It's, uh, actually just something real Jewy. Which is spelled J-E-W-Y.

Steve: Nice.

Jon: Uh, I don't know what to tell ya.

Steve: (speaking over) This is--I don't even know what to say.

Jon: (speaking over) Isn't it crazy?

Steve: You know what, I did--I actually wanna say something in all honesty...

Jon: (speaking over) Oh, boy.

Steve: Any--I know--I'm gonna make you cry, now... (Jon laughs) But seriously, I really--NO, don't do it! (Jon rubs his nipples) You're gonna ruin it! All right. (Steve rubs his nipples) Listen... (Jon laughs) What I was going to say... No--I--any, any sort of--if, if this does do well or if it doesn't do well--

Jon: (speaking over) Yeah.

Steve: Any, any success that I, I have, now, I, I really owe to you and to this show.

Jon: We, we feel the same about you, and we're so excited for you. Truly excited, and it's a marvelous thing.

Steve: Thanks.

Jon: You're a good man. Steve Carell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin; it's in theaters everywhere on Friday!

(clip, Even Stephven)
Steve: It serves up just like ice cream. Mmm. (eats spoonful of Crisco)
(end clip)

(commercial)

(Moment of Zen)

(end)
 
 
 
Laurenpirateslotr87 on August 24th, 2005 03:36 am (UTC)
that was fantastic. thank you very much.
amusefanamusefan on August 24th, 2005 04:31 am (UTC)
thx so much for posting this!!!
Lanna Michaels: snoglannamichaels on August 24th, 2005 05:04 am (UTC)
You rock!
The Sarcastic Typosarcasticsra on August 24th, 2005 01:28 pm (UTC)
Oh, you totally own for this. *adds to memories*