Log in

No account? Create an account
23 September 2006 @ 04:53 pm
Two long quotes  

Jon Stewart: Uh, as many of you know, it's, uh, a beautiful weekend here in the Northeast. You know, uh, I'm down in, uh, DC this weekend. I played the, uh, Meriweather Post Pavilion; lovely place, lovely people. Uh, and I just wanted to immerse myself in the atmosphere of the area, wanted to get the lay of the land, so I tuned into, they have a station down there called, uh, "C-SPAN", uh, which sort of covers local happenings in the Washington, uh, Baltimore area. And I'm watching this show, Washington Journal, and I'm just, I mean, I was stunned. You, take a look.

[clip, Washington Journal]
Robert Novak: Somebody mentioned, uh, the, uh, the Jon Stewart program; I've never seen that in my life, and, uh, I will, I'll go to my grave never having seen it.
[end clip]

Jon: Really? You'll, you'll go to your grave never having seen it? When's that scheduled for?

[clip, Washington Journal]
Host: Why?

Novak: I don't, I don't see any reason for it; it's, uh, it's a comedian, uh, a self-righteous comedian taking on airs of grandeur and I don't--I don't really need that
[end clip]

Jon: "Self-righteous comedian taking on airs of grandeur"?! You just said you've never seen it! You don't even... Listen! I'm not gonna deny I'm a pompous ass, but... "airs of grandeur," that couldn't've been what he said. I should che--lemme check this transcript. [takes out spectacles] "Airs of grandeur." That's just ridiculous. Lemme just... hold on... [takes out monocle] I can't--oh, that's not--hold on, lemme just... My God, that's, that's insane-- [takes out pipe] I just... Hmm, hmm, I--whoa! Yes!

We couldn't figure out how to appropriately mock "airs of grandeur." Earlier, we actually tried rehearsing with a guy in a white powdered wig who walked out with a scroll, but it felt too real.

Uh, yes, Robert Novak does not watch, uh, The Daily Show, uh, or myself--not surprising, uh, you know, I keep reading all these articles about how The Daily Show is big amongst the 115-year-old vampire demons, but... Why does Robert Novak hate? And why me? I mean, it's like I publicly revealed some piece of information he didn't want people to know and ruined his career. And then kept asserting it was everybody else's fault but mine.

Well, I don't like this bad blood between us, Robert. If you're watching--and I know you're not--I think it's time we buried the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground. You're on Fox, I'm on Comedy Central--how about the Food Network? This Rachael Ray seems like a peacemaker. We can... we can work this out, because I know that you're a good person, deep down in your... the thing that they replaced your heart with that pumps the...

I know you have redeeming qualities! I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when you're on television, you let others shine, while you generously absorb all light. And oxygen. When you leave an area, it... stops raining. And I know in the past I referred to you as a... douchebag. But that's not an air of grandeur, that's just mean! And sophomoric! And I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person.

Jon Stewart: The United Nations--indeed, the world!--still talking about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's remarks on President Bush yesterday for the General Assembly.

[clip, CNN: "Venezuelan Pres. Chavez Addresses United Nations"]
Chavez: Yesterday, the Devil stood here. Right here. Right here, and it smells of sulfur still today.
[end clip]

Jon: Okay, look. I've been to the UN building. That's just how it smells. 'Specially after Kofi's had the chili. But there's a much bigger issue here, so if you will, Hugo? Meet me at Camera Three.

[turns] Hola. Dónde está your biblioteca? That's actually, uh, that's the only phrase I know.

Look, uh, Hugo, I know you're not a fan of our president. Many of us have some problems with him as well. Lives in a bubble, stubborn, he's a bully, that's no secret--in fact, I believe that's what he campaigns on. My point is this: when you call him the Devil, it somewhat brings discredit on those who would oppose the man's policies while not necessarily being batshit insane.

Now, I gotta tell you, sir, uh, if your point is that the president, uh, President Bush needs to be more humble, well, dare I say, you may be the wrong messenger for that message. Let's be honest, Hugo, the Chavez imprimatur is not a guarantee of freshness, if you know what I'm talkin' about. There's Cindy Sheehan, hugging away her credibility with you; there's Hally--Harry Belafonte: tally him bananas; and there's Danny Glover this morning in Harlem, after you had called the president the Devil again.

By the way, Danny Glover, what are you doin'? Seriously, Danny, meet me at Camera Four.

[leans over desk] Hey, Danny, what is with the Lethal Weapon team? I mean, first Gibson, now you? How'd you guys squeeze four pretty solid movies out of that partnership? What kind of conversations were you guys havin' in that trailer? "Hey, Mel, the workers must control the means of production." "Yeah, I know, Danny, fuckin' Jews."

All right. Look, calling Bush the Devil is just stupid! And inaccurate. How do I know? Well, on the phone with us now--are you there, sir?

Devil: I am indeed, Jon. Thank you for having me. Listen, long time... uh, first time. Hey, listen, uh, you know, last night, as you can imagine, my ears were burning.

Jon: Ah, with the whole stir about Chavez talking about you, comparing you to the president?

Devil: No, no, no, not that--I, I live in a fiery pit; my ears are always burning. Uh, but seriously, listen, uh, my point is this: Bush is not me, and hey, Hugo, you're no angel, all right? And if the president has earned a place here, believe me, I got a cubbyhole with your name on it, too, pal.

Now, uh, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go down to Georgia--I'm taking part in a fiddle contest there against a young man--they claim this kid is the best there's ever been.

Jon: Well, thank you very much; it's always a pleasure to have you on the program--

Devil: Wait wait wait wait wait! Can I get a quick plug in here for my fruitcakes?

Jon: We, we don't have time for that, uh, Devil.


Jon: We'll be right back.
bodhichitta0: bonersbodhichitta0 on September 24th, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC)
SO funny! :D
Joshjman3030 on September 25th, 2006 08:01 pm (UTC)
That made me smile.