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01 February 2007 @ 08:36 pm
Even Stephven: Halloween  

Steve Carell: Tonight's topic: Halloween!

Stephen Colbert: No!

Steve: Yes!

Stephen: Noooo! Every year, the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of All Hallow's Eve. Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation. And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the Dark Lord. Steve?

Steve: Come on, Stephen! It's about kids dressing up one night a year ringing doorbells for treats and when you don't get what you want, you toilet paper the house. Maybe soap some windows or set a few fires and then drop a cement-filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an oncoming car. Stephen, it's about fun, it's about frolic, it's about candy.

Stephen: Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies, the Druidic cabal that runs this Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute their bodies with refined sugars.

Steve: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a second, Stephen. Surely, as a child, you indulged in the occasional Snickers bar or peanut butter cup.

Stephen: No, I ate carrot sticks, and my parents gave out little bags of applesauce.

Steve: Are you serious? Do you... do you know what we used to do to people who gave out those healthy snacks?

Stephen: Yes. Yes, I do.

Steve: Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.

Stephen: [on the verge of tears] You know who had to clean that up the next day? When the neighborhood girls were walking to school and laughing at you, and going, "There's Stinky Steve!"

Steve: Stephen, uh... could I ask you something? Did you even trick-or-treat as a kid?

Stephen: That's not something my family did. We didn't, uh...

Steve: I'm sorry. Well, that, that must've been very hard.

Stephen: No, it was--not at all. It was fine.

Steve: You know what? I have some treats here. We're gonna have a little Halloween right here. Huh?

Stephen: No, thank you.

Steve: Wanna have a couple treats? Come on!

Stephen: No, thank you. No. They cause cavities, Steve; I'm not interested at all.

Steve: [continues laying out candy]

Stephen: [watches longingly] What's that big one? The big...

Steve: Ah. Well, you have a good eye, my friend. This would be a "Butterfinger".

Stephen: What do they do?

Steve: Well, they crunch, and then they get all chocolatey on you.

Stephen: Chocolate?

Steve: Yeah. Want a Butterfinger?

Stephen: [shakes head]

Steve: You know what? You want a Butterfinger--

Stephen: No, I don't, thank you.

Steve: Ring my doorbell.

Stephen: I don't think so.

Steve: Ring the doorbell!

Stephen: I don't want to.

Steve: Go ahead! Ding-dong! Oh, who could that be? Clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk. Ohoho! Hey! How adorable! And who are you?

Stephen: A correspondent.

Steve: Ah! And a very scary correspondent! What do you say?

Stephen: [fighting tears] I don't know.

Steve: You say... you know what to say.

Stephen: I don't know what to do.

Steve: Three little words...

Stephen: I want candy.

Steve: No, no! No. You know the words. Go ahead. Say the words. Tri-- Tri--

Stephen: Tri--

Steve: Tri...

Stephen: Tri...

Steve: Tri...

Stephen: [sobbing] Trick or treat!

Steve: Yeah! Oh... Halloween isn't until tomorrow. 'Bye! Clink!

Stephen: No! I want candy!

Steve: I'm Steve Carell.

Stephen: I want the candy!

Steve: And this has been Even Stephven.

Stephen: I want to be a vampire!
staceyspecialcamper on February 2nd, 2007 07:26 am (UTC)
Your my hero. No joke.
Kellyputaindufromage on February 2nd, 2007 07:28 pm (UTC)
hahahah fantastic. thank you for typing that.