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12 February 2007 @ 01:08 pm
Run DNC (2/6/07) and Cheney Camera Three  

Jon Stewart: But as usual, the real action for our nation's lawmakers was happening outside of Washington. Last weekend, the Democratic National Committee's winter meeting, where the main event was the quadrennial Running of the Hopefuls! All ten presidental wannabes spoke, with many unveiling their new campaign songs! First up:

[clip, DNC]
Speaker: Our friend, John Edwards.
(Song: "My Country", John Mellencamp)
[end clip]

JS: Yeah, Mellencamp. A little safe.

[clip, DNC]
Speaker: General Wesley Clark.
(Song: "I Won't Back Down", Johnny Cash)
[End clip]

JS: Ooh. I thought he would've gone a little military... uh, more military, a little less drug-addled country. But all right, all right. Who's next?

[clip, DNC]
Speaker: Senator Barack Obama.
(Song [overdub]: "Superstar", Jesus Christ, Superstar)
[end clip]

JS: That's... a little on the nose.

[clip, DNC]
Speaker: Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.
(Song [overdub]: "Milkshake", Kelis)
[end clip]

JS: Yeah, I'm gonna say that's a misstep. Every candidate went with a recognizable, middle-of-the-road campaign song, except for one man. Little-known Democratic Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd.

[clip, DNC]
Song [overdub]: You haven't heard of me, but I'm Chris Dodd/That's Chris Dodd/Chris Dodd is my name/ba-doo ba-da-ba squo-bo/A-doo ba-da squee-squow/A-do-bo-doo-dwee
[end clip]

JS: Hey, man, that is a catchy tune! That'd make a great slogan... Yeah.

[picture: Dodd '08: Ba-Doo Ba-Da-Ba Squo-Bo]

JS: Actually, you laugh, but that is his slogan. All right. As this is the Democratic Party, the next stage of the competition: the all-important Candidate Humble-Off.

[clip, DNC]
Sen. Hillary Clinton: I grew up in a middle-class family in the middle of America.
[end clip]

JS: Meh. Not so humble.

[clip, DNC]
Sen. Joseph Biden: I can remember as a young kid, answering the back door as the bill collector stood there, about to turn off electricity...
[end clip]

JS: I'm intrigued.

[clip, DNC]
Rep. Dennis Kucinich: My parents never owned a home. We were renters. [cut] We lived in twenty-one different places, including a couple cars.
[end clip]

JS: Now I just feel a little sad.

[clip, DNC]
Tom Vilsack: Shortly after I was born, my birth mother handed me over to nuns at a Catholic orphanage...
[end clip]

JS: I believe we have a winner.

[clip, DNC]
TV: I didn't know my birth mother, and I didn't know my birth father.
[end clip]

JS: Okay, we have a winner...

[clip, DNC]
TV: I was a child left behind. I was born an outsider.
[end clip]

JS: You're breaking my heart.

[clip, DNC]
TV: My adopted mom was one of the great and most amazing people in my life. [cut] She was an alcoholic; she was addicted to prescription drugs.
[end clip]

JS: MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! All of this, by the way, a huge departure... All of this a huge departure from 2004, when John Kerry appeared before the group to deliver his famous "I Have a Castle" speech.

But above all, the candidates would have to show that they had a plan for victory.

[clip, DNC]
Sen. Barack Obama: I'm calling on you to hope.
[end clip]

JS: All right, I... hope you've got more of a plan than that.

[clip, DNC]
HRC: I know how they think, how they act, and how to defeat them.
[end clip]

JS: Are you running for president or repelling an alien invasion?

[clip, DNC]
Sen. Chris Dodd: As president, I'm going to finish the job Harry Truman started in 1948.
[end clip]

JS: Vote Chris Dodd for President! He will unite Korea.



Jon Stewart: Oh, and there was also one other thing.

[clip, The Situation Room]
Wolf Blitzer: A couple issues I wanted to raise with you. Your daughter, Mary, she's pregnant--
[end clip]

JS: Ruh-roh.

[clip, The Situation Room]
WB: Some critics, though, are suggesting, for example, a statement from Focus on the Family: "Mary Cheney's pregnancy raises the question of what's best for children. Just because it's possible to conceive a child outside of the relationship of a married mother and father doesn't mean it's the best for the child." Do you want to respond to that?

Vice-President Cheney: No.
[end clip]

JS: Ooh. It's a fair question. I mean, you recall the president's position on a related subject:

[clip, C-SPAN, 3/21/06]
President Bush: I believe society's interests are met by saying--defining marriage as between a man and a woman.
[end clip]

[clip, 2/24/04]
President Bush: Our nation must enact a Constitutional amendment to protect marriage in America.
[end clip]

JS: If your party has that position, that's a fair question, right, Mr. Cheney?

[clip, The Situation Room]
WB: Do you want to respond to that?

Vice-President Cheney: No, I don't.

WB: She's, uh, obviously a good daughter; I've interviewed--

DC: I'm delighted, I'm delighted I'm about to have a sixth grandchild, Wolf. Um, and, um, I obviously think the world of both my daughters and all of my grandchildren, and, uh, I think, um, frankly, you're out of line with that question.
[end clip]

JS: [as Penguin!Cheney] How--how dare you? How dare you apply my party's cruel and inhumane family policies to my family? How dare you? Don't you know I'm exempt? Waah! Waah. Waah. I'm exempt! Don't you know I'm exempt? No draft, no gay things--it's my family waah. And long last, sir, have you no sense of waah.

Hey, uh, uh, Mr. Vice-President, aren't any other gay people somebody's kid? Huh? You know what? Meet me at camera three.

[turns] Mr. Vice-President, I know you're not the easiest man to communicate with, what with the living in a bunker and not interacting with the "surface-dwellers". Um, you and I obviously disagree on many things, so let's try and go peer-to-peer. Lemme, lemme try and, you know, put you at ease if I could...

[puts on hunting cap and pulls out rifle] Here we go. Um, let's just, let's just talk. Let's just talk. All right. Hey, man, what's up? This is fun. What do we do, just sit here waitin' for old men's heads to fly by? Hey, man, can you believe that Blitzer guy? Pfft. Hey, why is it that everything you say turns out to be wrong and then you never admit to it, even though we have it on tape? No no no, this isn't working. All right. [removes hunting cap] This isn't gonna work. Lemme, lemme think about something else. Lemme--who would Dick Cheney listen to? Who would he listen to? Ah, wait, hold on, here we go...

[puts on stethoscope] Hey, Mr. Cheney, how's the, uh, how's the ticker? I mean the news ticker we put on your Robo-Heart 3000. Uh, designed to work in tandem with the puppies' blood we put in your veins. Anyway, listen, as your doctor, I've got some bad news. I have to tell you that your behavior is unhealthy. Frankly, if you continue to behave in this way, I give... us as a civilization around six to nine months. No, seriously, this isn't gonna... this isn't going to work. [removes stethoscope] All right.

Who does he respect? Who does he respect...? Chuck, bring the lights down. [lights dim] All right. Now, doom it up a little more, if you could, there. [Eye of Sauron appears on green screen] Oh, God. [puts on Darth Vader mask] Let me talk to you as a kindred spirit. [chipmunk voice] Vice-President Cheney... Son of a bitch! This isn't right! Wait--what--hold on... [Vader voice] Hello? Perfect. Dick. I am wondering how you do it. I can crush people's throats with my mind. But you! If I pulled the shit you've pulled... I'd be in the (?) pit faster than you could say Greedo. The writers have assured me that that makes sense. You know, Dick, someone once said something very valuable to me. He said, "The Force is with you, but you don't have to use it every time. Sometimes you can use the diplomacy!" Ponder that. By the way, if it doesn't work out with your daughter and her life partner, my daughter, Sonya Vader, is also looking.
 
 
 
love_conquers on February 14th, 2007 07:16 am (UTC)
haha ohhh man i love me some jon stewart.