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31 July 2007 @ 06:35 pm
7/30/07--Achieving Our Goooal; They Got Served; The Scorn Supremacy  
Jon Stewart: Regardless of the quality of play, John, symbolically, this is a tremendous victory.

John Oliver: Oh, symbolically. Yeah, of course. In that case, they're well on their way to winning the symbolic World Cup, no doubt cheered on by their figurative fans, and returning to a jubilant metaphorical nation. And perhaps--perhaps you're right, Jon. Perhaps now their hypothetical government will be inspired to pseudo-bring some quasi-order to this "country".

Jon Stewart: Moving to Washington, DC--for months now, Democrats have talked tough, vowing they would hold the Bush administration accountable for their egregious mishandling of what many in the media are calling "the world". Well, numerous feckless Senate hearings, one useless all-night filibuster, and three non-binding resolutions later, the Democrats finally decided it's go time.

Jon Stewart: Aasif Mandvi joins us from Capitol Hill tonight. Aasif, thanks for joining us. The tone in Washington, is, uh, if I may... uh, the tone in Washington now seems so toxic, so vitriolic, can it get any worse?

Aasif Mandvi: Well, actually, Jon, the good news is, I don't think it can. At the current rate of usage, the contempt with which Congress views the White House, the White House views the Congress, and both view the American people, scientists estimate the country will be out of contempt sometime early next year.

JS: You can actually run out of contempt?

AM: Oh, please, Jon. Unlike oil, it is a finite resource.

JS: But, see, the way you sneered at me a little bit right now--

AM: That was sarcasm. With a hint of scorn. Come on. I'm not--I'm not gonna waste my contempt on you.

JS: But see, just there, what you did just there, wasn't that--

AM: Opprobrium. Cheap, clean-burning opprobrium.

JS: Aasif, how did this come to pass?

AM: Well, government used to try to function on compromise, persuasion--even apathy and inertia. But as you can see, during this administration, contempt...

JS: I see.

AM: ...contempt usage is way up.

JS: But by gosh, Aasif, is there anything we can do to help?

AM: Well, you know, funny you should ask, Jon, because there is. Brothers and sisters, if we are gonna have a sustainable resentment policy that leaves enough contempt for our grandchildren, we have to act now. Here's three easy things you can do.

One: don't heap scorn. A little goes a long way. Don't spit in someone's face when rolling your eyes is just as demeaning.

Two: become an emotional hybrid. Did you know that most people can't tell the difference between someone who's filled with contempt, and someone who's sixty percent contempt, forty percent schadenfreude?

And three: before you say anything about someone with whom you disagree politically, ask yourself, "Do I really need to be such a douchebag about it?"

I mean, if you can't just do those things, then you are a real jackass.

JS: All right, Aasif, okay. Thank you very much, Aasif. Aasif Mandvi, everybody.

Note: If anyone could get a screencap of the "contempt usage" chart, I'd be much obliged. ;-)